The word “no” can feel loaded with so much baggage, fear, and doubt regardless of which side of the conversation you’re on. Sometimes that “no” can just roll off your tongue, firm and strong. Sometimes that tiny little word gets stuck right in your throat and requires you to dig deep for the courage to say that two letter word.
“No” is rejection.
“No” is setting boundaries.
“No” is your declaration.
Before I left on my trip, I had a couple of deep conversations with a man I was talking to. My inner nice girl was fighting me to give him another chance, guilting me that breaking his kind heart was wrong, and begging me to hold back my tongue.
…but I had to honestly and transparently share my perspective and how I felt.
It took courage to be that open. It took tact to make sure what I said was focused more on my own feelings and needs, rather than making him wrong in any way.
Because he is perfect as he is… for someone else.
I am clear about who and what I want in a relationship. I know which areas can be blurred a little to accommodate the unexpected, but I am also congruent on which areas are nonnegotiables for me.
…but I chickened out and couldn’t end things there. I gave in to my inner nice girl who talked me into giving him another chance after I got back.
The moments after we parted ways was absolutely telling that I made a mistake:
I didn’t say “no” because I was felt bad rejecting him.
I was guilt-ridden realizing that this was the worst reason why. Deep down, I already knew, but the words had a hard time revealing themselves. Saying “no” was actually the best thing for the both of us. No dragging things out. It would create closure and save both of us time and energy to move on and find the right person for us.I was furious with myself because I didn’t enforce my boundaries and honor my needs.
My anger surfaced to show me where I went wrong. In the past, I would’ve directed that frustration towards him (or the situation) because he couldn’t be who I wanted. But I clearly knew that what was surfacing was actually towards myself. I didn’t stand up for me and what I wanted. I didn’t defend my own vision. I allowed myself to sacrifice my own desires because I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of another.
I knew what I needed to do. I ended things with him the next day.
It was heartbreaking hearing the tone in his voice. He wanted to know why and how he could change my mind. But I stood strong knowing this would be for the best. He wasn’t wrong in any way. I am just looking for a different kind of man.
[TIP] You have the right not to say anything here. You could remain vague, and just repeat your stance. Your answer is personal. You don’t need to explain yourself.
If you do want to provide them feedback, avoid making any character jabs. Focus your constructive feedback on how you interpreted their behavior and how they made you feel. Share with them what they could’ve done to to connect better with you. Communicate as if you were their good friend for their solo benefit without any shaming, guilting, or accusing them of any wrongdoing.
Remember, your experience is just one perspective, too. Remind them of that, because to their perfect person, they might not need to change anything at all.
Saying “no” was not only honoring my own needs, but also showing him a sign of respect. He deserves to be with someone who could wholeheartedly accept and love him for who he is.
I was fighting back tears at the end. No matter what, I was grateful for my experiences with him. It is beautiful getting to know someone, especially seeing him being completely himself.
Say “no” to all those dating advice telling you to hold yourself back, too. Honor yourself by showing up as your true self. Quickly weed out those who aren’t a good fit for you. There's no need to hide who you are. You want someone who will see, love, and accept you as you are—quirks, weaknesses, and baggage.
Here’s an excerpt from my blog—Changing the way we see “no”:
In dating and relationships, instead of putting up a “best self” persona and hiding our weaknesses and quirks, what if we were just upfront and open about the various aspects of ourselves? Doesn’t that just feel easier and less complicated?
Instead of hiding and playing small to avoid rejection or judgment, what if you showed up exactly as you are? Because keeping up a facade is exhausting. Any inauthentic persona will eventually crumble. The truth always comes out.
So what if we didn't see being ourselves as not enough?
Being able to show up completely as yourself is EMPOWERING.
Putting yourself out there takes COURAGE.
Not giving a shit about what others think is LIFE CHANGING.
Rejection nowadays is far from a life and death scenario, but somehow our lizard brains are still interpreting it as so. And that’s the thing, it doesn’t have to be. You can retrain your mind to see it differently.
“NO” IS EMPOWERING
Think of the times that you’ve said “no” to other people. Why did you say “no” to them? It’s because you were choosing yourself, setting your boundaries, and prioritizing something else instead. Saying “no” empowers you because it was your choice. And that is YOUR right. Respect each other’s “no”.
Read about the 3 other ways to see “no” from a positive perspective and determine what you could learn from it instead.
Let “no” empower you.