What if you celebrated self sabotage?
Progress was derailed but this approach changes everything
I know what I need to do, but self sabotage pounces and overtakes me. I lose my willpower and I have no more self control. At that very moment, procrastination feels like the best idea ever. Self doubt and self criticism fill my mind as they justify my continual avoidance. The worst is when I know that I’m doing it, and I still… can’t… stop.
In a blink of an eye, where did the time go? Shit! I shouldn’t have done that. Why did I let myself get distracted? Why did I spend so much time on that meaningless thing? That other thing shouldn’t have taken that long either.
Ugh, great. Now I feel horrible about it. But hey, let’s make it even worse by piling on the guilt trip: “Good job wasting all that time, Kat.” Oh, let's add in some potent doses of shame, too: “Wtf, Kat? What the hell is wrong with you? You should know better.” *Ding* Achievement unlocked: Stress at sky high levels.
Each time I make myself wrong and bad, I feel worse. I know I can pivot into a better state. But there are these times when it backfires into continual self sabotaging behavior. Well, if I’m already doing this “bad thing”, then screw it, why not just do more of it? I’m already wallowing in all this guilt and shame, so what’s a little bit more?
Can you see how that can continue to cycle downward?
Frustrated, I declared “This has to stop! I have to do something different!” Whatever I was doing before was obviously not working.
The difference isn’t just changing the way I act, but also the way I see and feel about the situation.
Well, here’s a radical idea: What if I celebrated my self sabotaging behavior instead?
Why? Because the worst part of self sabotage isn’t the action itself but actually the thoughts and feelings I have of myself after I do those actions.
The actions themselves are neutral. It’s the thoughts and feelings you project onto actions that make them mean something in particular, which we often categorize as good or bad.
This is important because those thoughts and feelings highly influence what you choose to do next. This fork in the road determines the outcome of your experience, which boils down to this simple question: Do you get what you want? And those experiences snowball into your current reality, which determines whether or not you feel fulfilled and happy in your life.
Celebrate self sabotage
So this is my new strategy: When I self sabotage, I’m going to celebrate it! Next, I’ll choose to look at the behavior in a different way.
The fact that I KNOW I’m self sabotaging myself is already a win! It’s no longer an unconscious behavior that I’m accepting as a fact, norm, or a part of my identity. The first step of change is always awareness.
So how can you see self sabotage in another way or in a more positive light?
What if you’re giving yourself the time to “take a break” mentally or physically? Your brain or inner self needed to step away from this situation temporarily, so you could come back to what you’re working on with a fresh perspective.
What if you needed to put yourself back in that old, bad pattern to further your awareness and strengthen your resolve that you don’t want to be that person anymore? The self sabotaging behavior is showing you “Nope, not that anymore.” Celebrate it for reminding you how that feels again and how you don’t need that in your life anymore.
Can you see how changing how you interpret the situation can change how you feel about the actions or behaviors?
Change the way you label and see it
Instead of labeling the action as “self sabotage”, which comes preinstalled with a negative shameful connotation, what if you gave it a more neutral term like “feedback”?
Then ask yourself: “What is this feedback trying to show or teach me?”
You can change the way you see things just by the way you label them. Labeling it something negative oftentimes brings up all the past related experiences, which piles on even further more guilt, shame, and negativity. Then the common result is beating yourself up more for doing it.
So what is another term you can relabel “self sabotage” to? By simply changing its name, you have now removed the power you have previously given it.
As you take your power back, you then have the ability to choose what to do next. You cannot control your past. You can only control your present moment by choosing to take a different action than continuing on an old pattern that no longer serves you.
Choose differently
Your identity is formed by a series of your choices and decisions. So who do you choose to be?
Your current identity is NOT permanent. Your identity is formulated from what you believe and choose to do every day. It’s a cumulation of what you continuously act upon on an ongoing basis.
So what part of your identity would you like to change? Who would you become? As you step into this new identity, how would this new you act and show up? How would you own this new identity?
Lasting change to your identity and life comes from these two things:
Take small, incremental actions—those step by step, course correcting adjustments after reviewing the feedback you got from the experience.
Repeat it over and over and over and over again. Repetition turns it into a habit, which is then integrated into your identity.
"We make our habits and then our habits make us." ⎯ John Dryden
Making massive dramatic changes feels harder and more jarring. It also takes much more mental energy to keep the momentum going. That’s why you can execute on massive adjustments but then experience an equal force of blowback (aka self sabotage). So instead of biting off more than you can chew, take smaller bites instead.
Want to create change now?
For those action takers out there, here’s an exercise for you: Create two columns. Label the left column: “THE OLD ME”. Label the right column: “THE NEW ME”.
Write your undesirable, self sabotaging behavior in the left “the old me” column. Then in the right “the new me” column, write down the desired behavior you want to replace the old behavior with instead.
Curious about how to take it a step further? Create another left column prior to the existing one and label it “TRIGGER”. Fill in this column with the corresponding scenarios, feelings, or beliefs that most likely trigger you to take that self sabotaging behavior.
As a result, you now have an “if this happens, instead of this old behavior, do this new behavior” action plan. Congrats! Your present awareness will help reduce your future self sabotaging behavior and encourage you to show up differently going forward.
All you have to do now is to consciously and intentionally execute your plan with repetition, patience, and tons of self compassion!
Remember to discard the need to do it perfectly. As long as you continue to take those small, incremental actions and course correct along the way, these new habits will be yours!
Celebrate self sabotage to break old patterns and embrace your new identity.