3 reasons you're stuck on your ex
Determine which it is for you, so you can finally let go
Before you know it, Valentine’s Day will be right around the corner.
If you’re single, thoughts of wanting love and thinking about past loves often come up around this time, especially when you see all the couples around you posting lovey dovey photos of their partners, gushing about how much they love and appreciate each other, and flaunting their Valentine’s Day celebrations and gifts.
Oh? Did an image of your ex just flash through your mind? Were there any lingering feelings of what-ifs dragging you through past memories with your ex and filling your mind with those wish-it-could’ves? Is there any part of you still hoping and wishing that you two were still together, so you could spend this upcoming Valentine’s Day together?
Be honest now, has it felt hard to move on? Well, maybe one or more of these 3 reasons have been holding you back from truly letting go:
1 - You’re scared to move on.
Even though things are over, it’s easier to cling onto what’s familiar and what you’re used to than venturing out into the dating scene again to risk the unknown and uncertainty of meeting someone new and open your heart up again.
Braving the dating scene again can be daunting enough. Then you add on dating someone new feeling like a gamble itself as you don’t exactly know what you’re going to get or what could happen with this new potential love interest. The human element is so unpredictable and complex. Plus, you’re also vulnerably learning and establishing new relationship and intimacy dynamics with this “stranger” you’re possibly, maybe, hopefully handing your heart to.
So it could feel “safer” to hold onto your ex because you already have history, know what it’s like together, and how you could feel and can naturally act with them. It’s easier to continue something known and within your comfort zone rather than branch out into the unknown and try to establish something new.
Plus, you’re already hurting from the end of the relationship with your ex, so trying to emotionally open up again can feel challenging.
But, to be blunt, moving on is your only option.
You are actually hurting yourself even more by choosing to hold onto that fear and pain and not letting your ex go. You’re letting your past dictate how you show up in your present and hold you back for what can be possible in your future. It might seem counterintuitive and one of the scariest things in the world, but keeping your heart open while dating gives you the best chance to meet a better partner.
2 - You feel like you don’t deserve better or cannot find a better match.
Regardless of how you’ve obtained this belief⏤either from your ex’s jabbing comment of saying this verbatim or hearing others say things like “all the good men/women are taken”⏤this is absolutely not true. You can and will. The fact that you are no longer together already proves that your ex isn’t a good match for you.
Now that you’ve eliminated that possibility, so let’s move onwards and upwards towards someone even better.
By being in your past relationships, you have learned so much more about yourself, along with your needs and wants in a relationship. After the breakup, take the time to do a retrospective analysis on your relationship. Determine what are (1) the qualities that you enjoy and want to experience again in your next relationship and (2) the aspects of the relationship you would like to improve upon or do differently.
Through doing this introspective review, you’ll start to see the gaps between how you want and deserve to be treated in comparison to how your relationship with your ex was like. You can now bring this clarity to filter future potential matches faster and more effectively. When you understand your own priorities and values in a relationship, then you’ll know what kind of conversations to have with potential dates to evaluate if they’re a good, long term fit for you or not.
3 - There’s a secondary gain that you’re not willing to let go of… yet.
By being with your ex, there was some sort of side benefit that you valued and do not want to let go of… yet. So what you’re missing isn’t your ex as a person but the benefits you received by being with them, such as status, special access, or unique experiences.
Take the time to evaluate what exactly you’re missing about your ex. If the list turns more into what they could do for you versus who they are as a person, rethink why you were with them in the first place.
Consider why those benefits are important to you. What is the underlying cause that draws you to these benefits in the first place? What are other ways you can satisfy those desires?
Once you have this understanding, then it’ll be easier for you to find alternatives ways to fill that void created by your ex.
Here’s my most recent moving on story…
Last year, I had to walk away from an amazing relationship I felt deeply connected to because of a newly formed misalignment in our life goals. Sure, I had my moments of lingering and not wanting to give up. But, ultimately, I did embrace the end. It felt challenging and heart wrenching, but I was able to recover from that disappointment quickly and continue to brave the dating scene.
Why? Because I have created such a clear vision of my ideal relationship that I did not let that experience with my ex deter me from what I desired. I did not let it diminish my belief in any way that what I want is possible. In fact, it actually strengthened it, because I knew if I can manifest him and a relationship like that, then my next one was going to be spot on.
I had friends asking me how I was able to get over him in such a calm, centered, and balanced way, knowing how magical our relationship felt. Simply because I didn’t hold onto “him” as a person representing what I’ve lost, I held onto my own internal vision of what I wanted (which was detached from him). Through transforming my sadness into possibility, I was able to pick myself up and move on.
…and now, I’m in a relationship with someone new.
By letting go, I was able to open myself up to new love, new possibilities, and moving closer to manifesting my ideal relationship.
So even though it might feel hard for you right now to let go, know that you always have the ability to choose what you do next and how you feel going forward.
You heal from the pain through the process of moving on.
So let go of your ex, and trust the vision of your ideal relationship.
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