4 things that contribute to whether you’re “feeling it” on a date
It's more than just chemistry.
Being on numerous dates, especially a plethora of first dates, can feel exhausting after a while, having the same convos over and over again. It’s a balancing act sharing who you are, trying to get to know someone, and simultaneously evaluating if you’d like to see this person again. When you think about it, there’s a lot going on mentally, emotionally, and biochemically while on a date.
I started losing track as to what I’ve shared already. (Uhhh… Did I tell this story already? Questioning myself as I’m gauging my date’s body language to figure out if he’s heard it already.)
Sometimes, the details of one person would bleed into another’s. (Oops! I wish I had a clear data button in my brain after I’ve decided “no” on someone.) No wonder I’ve seen people talk about creating spreadsheets for their dating life in an attempt to keep better track of details and have data points to analyze. (Well, I’m not THAT data driven, so that’s a no go approach for me.)
I used to lump the reasons of why I’ve rejected men in the past merely on “not feeling it” or “couldn’t see myself with him”. But those answers were just the surface level justifications for a whole range of intuitive reasonings.
I dove deeper and distilled these 4 seemingly intertwining categories ultimately informing my decision of whether I’d see this person again:
Chemistry/attraction: Yup, I’m talking about the “spark”. A big part of our first impressions is defined by this. We’re all visual beings. There has to be some sort of attraction—physical and/or mental—to warrant further interest and interactions. However, chemistry should not be the only determination of long term potential. It can be a factor, but chemistry itself isn’t enough to build a solid relationship. It can be built as quickly as it can be destroyed. Even the filters of love or hate can skew your levels of attraction or disgust, regardless of what they actually look like.
Commonality: We have to have some sort of alignment in values, perspective, interests, and relationship + life goals to continue on. Opposites can attract, but this glue of alignment has to exist to bring us together in the first place. The relationship must have a purpose to both parties—the stronger the purpose, the stronger the bond.
Curiosity: Do you want to find out more about this person? This is often lumped into “interest”. Curiosity is a crucial element to a great relationship. It gives you the feeling of wanting to get to know them more, even if you’ve been with them for a long time. Keeping that curiosity alive means you’ll keep engaging with your partner, asking inquisitive questions, and wanting to understand them at a deeper level.
The feels: How do you feel with this person overall? This is deeper than just chemistry. It’s more about sensing whether you feel safe, seen, understood, and more importantly, whether you could be yourself with them. This is more of an intuitive, gut feeling or originates more from your heart. Over time, it can feel like having “butterflies” when you see them more, especially during the honeymoon phase.
There is a lot of evaluation going on unconsciously as the date continues. However, when you choose to be more conscious of your decisions and why you feel the way you do, all these information can help you be more aware of who + what you’re looking for in a relationship.
Making the unconscious conscious allows you to make clearer decisions than going off of nilly willy, well-I-don’t-know reasonings.
Make sure you’re addressing the deeper questions, too. Talking about surface level topics can only get you so far. Respect each other’s time by making sure the nonnegotiables have been covered. Dive deeper into this topic via my blog post 👉🏼 “3 ways to better evaluate your date’s long term potential”
Cheers to making better dating decisions through increased awareness and clarity!
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